New December Fun Horoscope


Forecast may apply to sometime after you've read this. Forecast Expires January, or when you stand on your head and stick out your tongue.

For Entertainment Purposes Only:

You will have a dream where you are on the 6 o'clock news. A surveillance camera will catch you picking your nose. Homeland Security will send a squad in to retrieve the bugger you've flicked onto the side of a Department Store. Laboratory test will show that you have an infectious virus. Though little more than a cold you will be accused of a bio attack. People at Fox News will demand the police lock you away. The dream will be so scary it will take you months to convince yourself that such a thing can't happen in America.

You will have a dream where the United States has been invaded by a swarm of horny bees. You suddenly pop into an episode of the Simpsons and Marge convinces you that the Horny bees are more fun in bed than Homer. O.J. makes a guest appearance and tells you that it all has to do with a certain call girl service and a little black book and a Mickey Finn that someone slipped him. One of the horny bees buzzes in your ear that the key to solve the mystery is the person who hid the glasses where they would be left and used to lure one of the victims, the original target, to the crime scene.

You will have a dream where a giant phallic symbol is chasing you down a crowded street. And you keep getting email suggesting how you can make yours or your lovers bigger. You think the dream has ended and you think you are waking up and you find laying next to you a giant............................................pussy.........................................cat.

You dream you are searching for a calendar but can't find one anywhere. You end up on an elevator but it doesn't go up or down-----maybe it needs viagra..........it only goes sideways. When it comes to sudden stop you are thrown out of it and find yourself in a wing of a hospital. All the nurses keep winking and offering you free viagra. Then you realize you are buck naked and nurses holding scissors keep chasing you. Suddenly they stop chasing you. You look down and the thing most important to you is gone..................all those free samples of viagra.

You dream you are driving across a bridge that seems to be a hundred miles high and it tells you it hasn't smoked weed in ages. Then the bridge starts to laugh and you know the bridge is a liar. It starts swaying with each laugh and the car you are in starts sliding toward the rail. You jump out of the car. You start running and the bridge begins to crumble behind you. The bridge drops out beneath your feet. As you start falling you get hit by a truck.

You dream that you keep telling people that you don't dream. Finally a dragon eats you and you wake up belching. Is that smoke you smell.

You dream you are laying in bed with thousands and thousands of dollars. You turn the TV on by remote control and the weather guy who you think would be less interesting than a vibrator in bed tells you that the dollar is now worthless. But you just laugh because you also have a basement full of gold.

You dream America has been taken over by radicals who have outlawed sex and intend to make everyone wear a chastity belt and a darth vader helmet. Your dream then pops into a video game and your quest is to find the key that will undo your chastity belt because you've got to......................................... pee really bad.

You dream that good things happen to bad people and you decide to become just as naughty as want to be. But then Santa Claus keeps popping into your dream and demands that you help him check his list twice. On that list you notice a woman you work with who you always suspected was naughty but was never quite sure. You are about to discover exactly how naughty she can be when you wake up.

You have a dream. In the dream, you write a speech. You get praised. Everyone thinks you walk on water. Then you dream you drown.

You dream you open a can of worms. You decide to take that can of worms on a fishing trip. Everyone you've ever flirted with but didn't ask out ends up on the fishing trip. What happens next will be a blur----put some ice on those black eyes.

You dream you can't remember where you left the bag of money you were told to take to the bank. In searching for the bag of money you find true love----------a good wet dream.

Psychic Rumor Corner: Take with a grain of salt.

What I see in the future is dang depressing and who the heck needs that.