Johnny's mom, Rosie, was driving to the grocery store and she couldn't change the radio station or turn the radio off so she had no choice but to listen to the news. In that 15 minute drive she learned about the impending war with Iraq. Then she heard a government commercial reminding boys that on their 18th birthday they are required to register for Selective Service. She then teared up as she thought about the years her husband Klinger had spent in Vietnam. Yes, she was sure it was Vietnam and not Korea though the people who did the movie and TV scripts changed it to Korea for political reasons. Damned producers. She blamed them for her husband getting too big of a head and no longer being able to penetrate her when having sex. But I digress. The point is, she loved her deceased husband who she murdered and she hated that he never was the same after that war. Until his dying day, he wore women's underwear and that was the source of many of their marital arguments.

After she bought groceries she decided she needed to refill her prescription for Valium. The news on the radio had just been too much for her. Listening to the news as opposed to Killer Rap had sent her mental health back at least two years to when she had the nervous break down over her hung toe nail. Well, actually, it was more than just a hung toe nail. She tripped in the bathroom over her husband's underwear and did a double back flip and landed on her head. Medical doctors suggested at the trial that the head injury was responsible for her killing her husband. Psychiatrist, which I guess are medical doctors also, testified that she was crazy to start with.

When she got home she looked at her son Johnny sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer on the TV and drinking a beer. It was his great aspiration to go on Jerry Springer someday. Only he wasn't quite sure he was White Trash enough so every day he tried to think up new ways he might be more trashier than the day before. Johnny was Rosie's pride and joy. It made her sad to think that the government might do to him what it did to her husband. If her husband had only thought to wear women's clothes before he registered for Selective Service things might have been so different. She was certain that if her husband had thought to have sex with men rather than her, things definitely would have been different. But then, Johnny might never have been conceived. She couldn't imagine walking into a house and not seeing Johnny sitting on the couch, drinking a beer, watching TV, and playing with himself. It broke her heart to think that if Johnny got drafted into the military she might never have the chance for one of these touchy, feely, family moments again. She looked at her son, "Come give your mommy a hug."

Johnny knew better than to argue with his mother so he got up and gave his mother a hug. Then she kicked him in the ass and told him, "Go get the groceries out of the car you lazy thing."

When Johnny was finished putting the groceries away he took an antacid. He had really stuffed himself. Then Rosie sat him down to have a serious talk with him.

"Son," she called him. "I've got a dress I want you to try on for me. It is the black one hanging on the back of my door."

"Say what?"

"Don't sass your mother. Just go put the f*cking dress on."

And so he went and put the dress on.

Johnny looked at his mother. "You want me to wear this down to the Recruiters Office to register for Selective Service?"

"Yes, I do."

Johnny figured unless more than 5 soldiers tried to beat him up at once, he would be able to defend himself. Still, he figured he needed to hide a gun on his person just in case things got out of hand. He wasn't going to hide the ammo. He figured that would help send the proper message to leave him the hell alone. Besides, the ammo looked really good with the black ensemble.

Johnny went down to the recruiters office and registered without a hitch. His friends had all been subjected to some major sales pitches from recruitment officers and had ended up spending hours at the recruitment office. Johnny was in and out like slam, bam, thank you ma'am.

When Johnny got home his mom was in bed with some of his father's old hair pieces, a jug of moonshine, and her pillbox of Valium. He decided not to disturb her. He was feeling kind of horny and decided to call up his new friend Trixie who he had recently met at a bar while crusing with his friend Bert.

Trixie came over and then Trixie and Johnny went out behind the barn to have some fun.

Trixie and Johnny had not gotten fully naked when here come Rosie to see what the dogs were barking at. I'm not sure why she was carrying her husband's hair pieces but when she saw her son and Trixie she started throwing the hair pieces at them.

Rosie yelled at her son. "Do you want the Military Spy Satellites to take pictures of you having sex with your lady friend here. Damned!"

When Trixie saw Rosie coming to attack her with more than just hair pieces, Trixie very quickly ran to her convertible and got the hell out of there.

"Why did you try to attack Trixie? Since you had me wear that dress, I thought we had an understanding."

Rosie told her confused son, "You can't make love to that woman until the war with Iraq is over."

"But Trixie isn't like just any woman. She is ..."

"Don't talk back to your mother."

"But please tell me....

Now Johnny was non too pleased to learn that his mother was not going to allow him to have sex with Trixie until the war with Iraq is history. Johnny was beginning to doubt the President was going to ever do more than talk the situation to death. So while the President had more meetings with members of the Foreign Relation Board, the Trilateral Commission, and other rich do nothings and academic types Johnny decided to 'convene a meeting' of his White Trash Board over at Rooster's Cock Fight Barn. He talked the situation over with several of his Dixie Mafia friends and they said they didn't see any problem with smuggling Johnny into to Iraq to take care of the Saddam Hussein situation. Johnny then talked to Bert who worked part time at Radio Hut and had access to all sorts of electronics Johnny could use. Bert gave him several tips on how to run a timed hotwire to the gas tank of a vehicle. He also showed him how to turn a hair dryer into a flame thrower. Bert explained that most of what he knew he knew from watching the TV show Electro Wizard McDiver.

Johnny then went over to his grannies who had on tape every episode of Electro Wizard McDiver ever made. He watched and studied the episodes carefully. His granny watched some of the episodes with him but she never watched long without going to her bedroom for something or the other. Johnny agreed with his grandmother that McDiver was a sexy thing though Johnny made clear that McDiver wasn't exactly his type.

Then Johnny and his friends organized some war games which was mostly them playing in the mud and making fun of one another. When all the planning and training was finished and Johnny was just about to make his trip over to Iraq to take care of business, Johnny was arrested for DUI.

Now if ever you hear that Saddam Hussein has been killed in some strange electronic "accident" then consider just maybe Johnny was finally able to make it over to Iraq and that now Johnny is able to have sex with Trixie.

P.S. Rosie didn't realize it, but Trixie is actually a Transvestite.