Story

Not for younger readers or anyone who believes in censorship.

Billy Samner

by Charles T. Peters jr.

Copyright 2004, 2005

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New July-August Fun Horoscope


Forecast may apply to sometime after you've read this. Forecast Expires September, or when you stand on your head and stick out your tongue.

For Entertainment Purposes Only:

Though most often in your nature is not to care too much what other people think, you will tend to be more on an ego trip trying to feel good about yourself. The problem is, sloppy is quicker to get done than perfection. Wanting to feel good about yourself will be made worse by not feeling too sure of yourself. It will be difficult to get things completed.

Bottom line: Take a vacation and show your boss how great you are some other time. The odds are going to be against you right now.

Children. Do you want to have them? If you have them, do you want to find a baby sitter.

Outdoors. You want to enjoy it. You really do. Damned freaking bees and insects will not let you.

Marriage. Spouse, I want to date other people. Not a good idea.

Money. Okay, where did I spend that hundred thousand dollars.

Things are never as bad as they seem.

There are days that having a split personality is not really such a bad thing but dating too many people at the same time probably is.

You will discover dumping one of your "friends" will make you feel more like one, likeable person again. You don't really need to keep trying to change. Your clothes, your laugh, your sexual positions are just fine. Avoid seeing whoever is trying to make you feel otherwise.

Avoid drinking and dancing.

You don't have the seven year itch, try a different soap.

Stop whining about your car and put another 100,000 miles on it.

Remember, sex can lead to paying college tuition down the road.

Okay, that is not an ocean in your back yard, unless it is put the surf board down.

Dreams can come true. They can happen to you. But are more likely to happen if you keep your expectations low.

Courage. Bravery. Stupidity. Horny all the time. But no one seems to like you.

Save someone from a burning building. No one will care.

Give a million dollars to charity. Some son of a bitch will call asking why you didn't give more.

Don't be stupid while other people try to manipulate and take you for a ride and put your finances or life in danger.

Tell everyone to go to hell. Go buy some good porn. Go to bed and enjoy yourself.

It is not that you are deep. It is that other people are shallow. It is not that you are smart. It is that other people are stupid. It is not that you are pretty. It is that other people are ugly.

It is easier to feel good about yourself if you hang out with losers.

Don't try to play mind games with people during this period. You really just will not be that well equipped.

Compliment someone and then take it back. They may shoot you.

Pretend you have no thumb and you may have an accident with the staple gun.

Put a sock down your pants and discover athletes foot in private places.

Put toilet tissue in your bra and discover someone has blew their nose on it.

The horoscope on yahoo says you are like a sexy black hole. I say you are more like an asshole.

But you will attract some weirdo's this month and they will bring out your inner asshole and maybe some good times.

Sometimes it is cruel to be kind. Sometimes it is kind to be cruel. And sometimes it is just fun to make people cry.

Hush, hush sweet Charlotte.

Grooming is really not a bad thing.

Birds in cages do not always have clipped wings.

Guns do sometimes have bullets.

Cars don't always run on empty.

Deserted streets aren't always as deserted as you think.

Curl up in bed with a good murder mystery. I mean, a book. Not your life.

Avoid making decisions you can NOT take back.

A recipe for disaster starts with peanuts in banana bread in a gas oven ready to explode.

Explode, no, that is your spouse with the electric bill.

Electrical attraction in a lightning storm and you discover the person you are with looks like a wet poodle.

Cold and naked in a romance novel isn't like cold and naked in real life. That loving feeling can disappear with other things.

The wicked and the profound march together against you.

Mystery with a stranger in the night. Reach for a candle or a flashlight. The East Coast or the West Coat may be going dark this night. Strangers invade the promised land and a terrorist cell is discovered within our own CIA.

The stock market goes up as the Fed pumps the money supply after a British tragedy. The stock market goes down as the Fed pulls the money to dampen the rebound.

Red China has leaders in North Korea planning a proxy war against the west and the President sleeps.

Psychic Rumor Corner: Take with a grain of salt.